Think good and it will be good.
I was so happy to have my big sister with me for my chemo kickoff this week. Apparently they called this first dose of medicine “Red Devil.” I wasn’t sure what to make of it but just figured I’d just enjoy the comfy chair…
Overall, the second attempt at my first infusion however was incredibly smooth! My sister was even sitting with me the whole time on her laptop working remotely. I would venture to say that the whole ordeal took about 2 ½ hours and then we were out.
Funny enough my spiritual guru – Rabbi David Aaron, Rosh Yeshiva at Orayta in the Old City of Jerusalem – called me right after we stepped out of the hospital to ask me how I was doing. The timing could not have been any better! It was almost as if we were on the same wavelength. This was a much needed feel good boost before side effects kicked in.
This past Tuesday through Saturday was very up and down. It was chock-full of some of the strangest sensations with major saps of energy and physical weakness. It’s hard to describe but I can name a few. You know that dizzy nauseous feeling when you step off of the teacup ride in Disney and you just want to sit down for five minutes? You’re body feels like it is being pulled in one direction even though you’re standing still. That feeling ebbed and flowed throughout the days. In addition to the inside of my mouth feeling as if it was stung by a hive of bees, everything I ate shocked my taste buds and jaw, including bread and water. My face ached and walking up stairs was exhausting. Waking up in the morning and going to bed were the worst times of the day. It took a while for me to level out after waking up with a few hours out of the day to feel like a fraction of myself. At night it would take me hours to fall asleep after getting into bed.
Overall I never knew how I would feel at any given moment. I could sit on a surface and pass out or feel like such garbage that I couldn’t sleep even though my body was drained as if dementors from Harry Potter sucked away the energy.
The good news is that all of this wore off – and now I feel like myself again! There’s a real battle going on and the trick is to accept the situation and try to relax. Even in those momentary energy bursts I have to remember not to overexert myself and simply be grateful for feeling good.
I realize that the chemo has been killing off a lot more than good cells and bad cells. It’s also killing off a huge part of my personal yetza hara (Hebrew for internal challenges) that’s spiritually plagued me for quite some time and thus allowing me to shape a vessel that’s able to receive.
My mind has felt crystal clear and racing a mile a minute. It’s been the big bang of creativity and vision for me. Cancer is a spiritual Drano cleaner. At times now I can’t stop involuntarily coming up with ideas and connecting the dots.
It’s very difficult to fabricate the experience of an emotional wave after it’s passed. I now understand that to be an artist is to uncover comfort in the discomfort and harness the energy from these discoveries to transform it into something beautiful.
I’ve felt a deep desire to channel this wave of energy and funnel it directly into a creative outlet and beyond. I want to use this website to allow people to be informed of my recovery process, share my own personal insights, and provide a resource for folks to learn about these issues. One of my favorite quotes from an artist that I look up to, Von Glitschka:
“Creativity is making connections between things that already exist.”
While I am currently undergoing physical therapy and chemotherapy, multiple people in the medical field have told me that if you’re going to get cancer, you should pray for what I was diagnosed with. That does not change the fact though that I had a solid 4 days to contemplate the unknown through spiritual therapy and be truly grateful for everything in my life. In those moment’s of despair I looked inside myself and surrendered all of my anxieties to Hashem (Hebrew for Gd). I said to myself, “If everything is for my good then there must be a critical opportunity for growth and happiness through this experience. I really have no choice but to figure out and receive this special message.”
